The Insanity

Here’s an example of how my mind (self-esteem, insecurities, baggage) haven’t caught up to the changes in my body.

I bought an XL (regular, not 1X) shirt to wear with my suit that was different than anything I would normally buy.  The pattern was a little different and it was sleeveless and a little bit tight, but I loved it and knew the arms and the “tightness” would be hidden by my suit coat.  The next day, it was HOT, so after court I took off the coat.  At lunch I got compliments from a group of ladies at work on the shirt and immediately started making excuses about it being too tight and actually apologized for not wearing my jacket.  They all looked at me like I was crazy and one finally told me I was.  I then went to the mirror and really looked at it and realized it wasn’t tight at all, it simply fit.  I’ve spent so long using clothes to hide the bulges and rolls, I don’t even know how clothes are supposed to fit.  Plus, I’m getting used to my clothes being a little bit loose, that it’s weird to try on something that actually fits…they feel tight because they aren’t loose like everything else. 

But, I’m learning, or at least trying to.  Last night I bought a pair of shorts in 14W.  I tried them on and they fit great.  As I reached for the 16W that I brought it with me…originally because I didn’t believe the 14 would fit and then because they might be a little roomier, I stopped myself.  I realized that I’m was in denial that the 14W would fit me, so I’d convinced myself the 16W would be better even though I was standing there in the 14.  Amazing…as my body is starting to cooperate, my brain is fighting against me.

~ by Mary Frances on August 14, 2010.

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