4 lbs

4 pounds doesn’t sound like much, but I have been gaining and losing 4 lbs for weeks…months…now.  I go from 176  to 180 and back again.  It’s annoying and hasn’t gotten old quick.  I go from doing great for several days (or even a whole week) and then either eat something (or several somethings) I shouldn’t or go without exercising and put the weight right back on.  I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.  And keep wasting it.  I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.  Just when I get in the grove and have started developing good habits, I revert to old behavior and take two steps backward.  The sad part is that I know I’m doing it.  Sometimes I don’t have the emotional strength and energy to fight the urges and other times I don’t want to. 

I fear I won’t be able to lose the weight and keep it off if I don’t figure out why I have moments of (consciously or sub-consciously) sabotaging myself or times when I convince myself I simply don’t care.  I feel like I’m in a fight with myself.  Right now, I don’t like the version of me that’s winning.

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~ by Mary Frances on February 13, 2011.

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