Leaving on a Jet Plane

I’m leaving today for San Francisco.  It’s part work, part vacation.  Instead of leaving 5 pounds lighter than this time last month, I leave 5 pounds heavier.  I dread the pictures that I’ll take on this trip.  Sad that I’ve let myself get back here.  Worried I won’t be able to break away from it.  Worried more that I’ll get back to were I was…where I never want to be again. 

The trip is bittersweet.  It’s a chance for an amazing adventure.  But a reminder that I am going alone.  Another fantastic trip with memories that won’t be shared with anyone.  Moments that I’m grateful and blessed to have, but sad that they will be made without anyone by my side experiencing them with me.

It’s also a reminder of where I wanted to be weight-wise by now and how far away from it I’ve gotten.  I went home a few weekends ago and gained the 5 pounds.  I’ve been struggling ever since to get rid of it. I have a few days of doing great, start to lose the weight, and then one day, one night out, or one meal of too much puts me right back where I started.

I’m determined to come back from this trip lighter and happier.  I pray the walking, fresh air, and amazing sights will inspire me and spur me to make better choices and decisions (both with food and men).

I feel this extra weight.  I see it.  My clothes are tighter.  I feel sluggish and depressed.  I feel defeated and out of control.  I’ve had other stresses and negative emotions that make it harder to get back on track and back into a routine.  I feel lost.  I worry that trying doesn’t matter anymore.  No matter what I do, I’m destined to be overweight.  I know that isn’t true.  I know what a difference losing a little weight has done.  I know it’s possible to lose more.  I know I can be healthier.  I know I need to be healthier.  It’s no longer an option.  It’s no longer a choice.  It’s a have to, a must, a non-negotiable.  I need it for my emotional and spiritual well being even more than I need it for my physical health. 

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~ by Mary Frances on April 19, 2011.

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