Emotional Mess

This past few weeks I’ve been an emotional mess.  It pains me to say it’s all over a guy.  There’s always been an indescribable connection between us, and he unfortunately has a way of changing my emotions in an instant.  He can either make me feel amazingly happy or completely worthless…and everything in between.  Our story is long and complicated and a total emotional roller coaster.  I completely lack the ability to control my feelings where he’s concerned. 

We aren’t together (haven’t been in awhile) but have stayed friends and talk or text every so often.  Maybe once or so a month.  We don’t see each other because we live several states away.  He has a girlfriend and I’ve always encouraged the relationship and been careful to never say anything negative about her.

But, about four weeks ago he decided to tell me through text that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because of her.  I understood but it cut so deep, especially since it was done through text I felt like I had so say in the decision.  It left me feeling insignificant and discarded, like my friendship didn’t mean anything to him.  I hated the idea of never speaking to him, never knowing him again. 

Three weeks later he contacted me because they broke up.  I became his emotional support and comfort as I had to listen to how much he loved her and missed her.  He’s called or texted me everyday since then.  Then this morning I get a call that all that is likely stopping again because he’s going to fight for her and get her back.  I knew as I encouraged him to save their relationship, it meant the end of our friendship.

I’m again left out in the cold.  Left feeling like I don’t matter.  I feel so stupid and used for being there for him when he needed me, only to be push aside once again when he doesn’t.   

I don’t understand why I can’t let him go.  Why I’m brought to tears at the thought of never talking to him again.  Why he affects me so much.  Why my happiness and self worth is so tied up in him. 

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~ by Mary Frances on June 25, 2011.

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