For my Health

There are various reasons I want to lose weight.  Most revolve around vanity and feeling better about myself.  But most important has to be my health.  This is no longer about being a certain size, looking a certain way, or liking what I see in the mirror.  It’s about my quality of life.  It’s about having a life at all.

My dad’s family has a history of heart disease.  My dad had to have bypass surgery several years ago.  I was put on blood pressure medicine a few years ago.  Last year, after losing weight and exercising regularly, I was able to come off the meds.  Lately, my blood pressure has been high again. 

I’ve had intense headaches that I think are linked to the blood pressure.  Last night and this morning I had a headache that wouldn’t budge.  Nothing made it go away.  My blood pressure was 146/96.  Those numbers are more important than the numbers on the scale or the number of the size of my clothes.  It’s time to stop playing around and time to get serious about my health.

Yo Yo

Last week I was doing well.  I ate better and stuck to the lifting schedule of New Rules of Lifting.  As a result, I lost weight.  Proof this really works if you do it.

Then the weekend came and I ate the wrong things and drank too much.  I snacked instead of eating real meals.  Drinking too much Saturday led to a nasty hangover Sunday that made me skip breakfast but then have a greasy burger for lunch.

I’ve said before that I’m a creature of habit.  So those two days were enough to throw everything off. This past week has been a series of false starts.  I start each day with good intentions and end the days eating or drinking something I shouldn’t.  I didn’t exercise at all.  So I gained weight.  Proof eating/drinking too much and no exercise makes you gain weight.

I know what to do.  I’ve done what needs to be done.  Why do I fall backwards and mess up all the good I’ve done?  Will I ever figure out how to keep the momentum going once I get back on track? Why do I always fight so hard against myself? 

All or Nothing

I tend to be an all or nothing kinda girl when it comes to weight loss.  I jump into something new all gung-ho with tons of motivation and determination.  I follow the program of the moment point by point without wavering.  Then something happens…a small stumble or bump in the road and I lose all focus.  I use that one slip up as an excuse to do (eat) whatever I want with the idea that I’ll get back on track the next day and be perfect (which is never possible).  Stupid logic.  I think it was Jillian Michaels that said something like if you have a flat tire, you don’t puncture the other three to make up for it. 

To keep from staying in this cycle of being strict, slipping up, having a free for all, beating myself up, being strict again, I’m going to stop trying to do everything at once.  I’m just setting myself up to stumble and fail.  So, I’m going to pick a few things to focus on each week. 

Here’s the focus for this coming week:

• I’m doing The New Rules of Lifting for Women challenge on Prior Fat Girl.  So, the first goal is to follow the workout plan in it.
• Drink at least 64 oz of water a day.
• Track my food on myfitnesspal.  I’ll try to stay within my calorie limit, but the real focus will just be on tracking no matter what.  Even if I go over, I’ll write down every single thing I eat.

Awareness

I hate journaling/tracking what I eat.  It’s tedious and reinforces my preoccupation and obsession with food.  BUT, it works.  The reason it works is because it makes me aware of what I’m eating.  It forces me to stop and think about what I’m eating. It makes me pay attention to what I’m putting into my body.  It helps me decide what’s worth it and what isn’t. Without tracking, I’d never know the amount of calories in some of the food I eat…it’s more than you think!!

Example:  This morning I wanted a croissant from Sonic.  I know it’s not great for me, but figured it can’t be that bad.  It is that bad.  I made myself look it up on myfitnesspal.  Glad I did.  Depending on which croissant I got, it was between 500 and 600 calories.  Half my calories for the day.  HALF!!!  

Instead my breakfast was 310 calories. 

Running Away

The past few weekends I’ve been running away to the lake.  At times it’s been fun and exciting.  Other times it’s been relaxing and peaceful.  I’ve ridden the jetski, boat, inner tube, or just floated on the water.  I got stuck in a rainstorm when the jetski broke down.  One of the most fun days I’ve had lately.

Last weekend I took the dog down.  He wasn’t sure what to do in water where he couldn’t touch the entire time.  He’s used to creeks where he can splash and play, but always touch.  It took a little while with him pawing at the water, but he finally got in to swim a little…even at night.  Here are a few pictures (I can’t believe I’m posting pictures of me in a bathing suit).

 

Restart Button

There have always been times when we wish life had a rewind or reset button.  Right now I’m just searching for the restart button.  Lately things have felt out of control.  Everything from not eating right, to not exercising, to liking a new guy who it seems pretty clear things aren’t meant to be.

I’ve lost focus.  Stopped caring.  Stopped trying.  So, I’ve gained weight.  I was in a cycle of gaining, losing, gaining again.  Now I’m just on a course of gaining. 

This past week I’ve gained a lot.  A.Lot. More than I should have and more than I can explain.  I don’t understand it.  But no matter the reason, it’s here and I have to stop playing around and get serious again.  My clothes don’t fit like they used to (not really tighter, they just feel different) and my blood pressure has been up a little.  That’s what scares me.  This isn’t just about looking better, fitting into smaller clothes, and feeling better about myself.  It’s about my health.  It’s about my life.  It’s time to get control over my life again.  It’s time to restart.

Beach Trip

A few weeks ago I went to Destin, FL for a conference and got to spend a little time on the beach.  I grew up going to the Atlantic Ocean, either in South Carolina or Florida.  But, once I moved to Alabama, I fell in love with the Gulf.  The water is gorgeous and the beaches are soft and white.  It was the perfect relaxing mini vacation.

 

Shift in Focus

Because I’ve been such a wreck lately and need to pull myself out of this funk I’m in, I have to do something to change things and focus more on me.  On making myself happy and healthy.  On what I need and want.  On becoming or creating the person I want to be because right now I’m not even close. 

I’ll focus more on the people and things that make me happy.  I’ll post more often here…hopefully more positive, happy posts as I work through all the negative stuff.

Emotional Mess

This past few weeks I’ve been an emotional mess.  It pains me to say it’s all over a guy.  There’s always been an indescribable connection between us, and he unfortunately has a way of changing my emotions in an instant.  He can either make me feel amazingly happy or completely worthless…and everything in between.  Our story is long and complicated and a total emotional roller coaster.  I completely lack the ability to control my feelings where he’s concerned. 

We aren’t together (haven’t been in awhile) but have stayed friends and talk or text every so often.  Maybe once or so a month.  We don’t see each other because we live several states away.  He has a girlfriend and I’ve always encouraged the relationship and been careful to never say anything negative about her.

But, about four weeks ago he decided to tell me through text that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because of her.  I understood but it cut so deep, especially since it was done through text I felt like I had so say in the decision.  It left me feeling insignificant and discarded, like my friendship didn’t mean anything to him.  I hated the idea of never speaking to him, never knowing him again. 

Three weeks later he contacted me because they broke up.  I became his emotional support and comfort as I had to listen to how much he loved her and missed her.  He’s called or texted me everyday since then.  Then this morning I get a call that all that is likely stopping again because he’s going to fight for her and get her back.  I knew as I encouraged him to save their relationship, it meant the end of our friendship.

I’m again left out in the cold.  Left feeling like I don’t matter.  I feel so stupid and used for being there for him when he needed me, only to be push aside once again when he doesn’t.   

I don’t understand why I can’t let him go.  Why I’m brought to tears at the thought of never talking to him again.  Why he affects me so much.  Why my happiness and self worth is so tied up in him. 

My Fitness Pal

I feel like I’ve tried every diet out there, but the one thing I haven’t done is simply count calories.  So, I signed up for myfitnesspal.  Like Weight Watchers, it lets you log everything you eat and any exercise you do.  Its database is amazing.  So far, it’s had everything I’ve eaten.  And, like Weight Watchers, it helps make me aware of what I’m eating.  It’s amazing how fast 1200 calories go!!